"it" just moved
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The Olympian is in my bed
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
