If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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