Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
