They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
