dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
