I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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