I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
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