I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
