Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
