and i looked up. we had an audience...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
