So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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