got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
