Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
