I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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