Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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