i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
