Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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