before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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