Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
