If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
