you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
