Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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