I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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