Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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