I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
