so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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