Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
