well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
