Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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