I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
