Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i need some magic done to my vagina
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
