I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
