I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
