God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
