so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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