Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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