Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
