Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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