Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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