Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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