My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
