I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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