i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
