using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
