i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
