Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
