I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
