So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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