Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
