i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
