Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
