I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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