She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
