update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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