She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
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You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
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Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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