my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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