Small penises have feelings too.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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