Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
