Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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