Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
